She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I party with great urgency now.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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