Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
