I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
