Where did you get a picture of my penis
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
