no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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