i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
