I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
