This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
