i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
this will be a night to untag.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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