I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
