Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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