just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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