Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
where are my eyebrows?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
