I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
