my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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