those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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