The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
