I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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