I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
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