I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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