I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
