Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
