I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
