i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
