can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
