I didn't shave. On purpose
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
