I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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