i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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