I intend to get homeless drunk
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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