Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
my liver is dry heaving
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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