Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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