It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
