can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
