can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
