No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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