i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
