his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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