highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
