took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
