sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
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