At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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