I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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