you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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