She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
