birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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