i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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