So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
