We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he fucked my hip out of place.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
