Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
