you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
