apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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