oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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