its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
