a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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