So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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